Sleep

So it’s 1:44am I’m sat in my bathroom as everyone else in the house sleeps. I want nothing more than to have a decent nights sleep but it’s been evading me for weeks. Unfortunately tonight seems like the worst night so far as I’m unable to sit still long enough to relax. I have a pounding headache, ectopics and my IBS is in full flare to the point I’m scared I will vomit not great when you have emetophobia. It’s so strange as at the beginning of this week I was buzzing like you cannot believe. Looking forward for lots of family and friend time over this weekend but as the days have passed my mood has lowered and it is the lowest it’s been for a long time. I don’t know if therapy has something to do with it.

My EMDR is progressing very well and in one of my last assessments my score went to sub 50 which is amazing and I am proud of that but with having to reprocess things I’m noticing more and more how angry I am about things I forgot about the birth. For example my first time looking at my son at the point I could see him due to short sightedness he was about 20 mins old and a nurse strapped him onto my breast as he needed to feed and it wasn’t until after he fed that I was able to look at him. Or the fact that I had less than an hour to spend time with Jon and Charlie before they sent Jon home as he wasn’t allowed on the ward at that time of night, or even the nurse forcing me to get up and have an agonising shower less than 12 hours after my c-section humiliated, vulnerable and powerless I had to sit on a chair under the shower as my husband washed me and changed my maternity pad whilst a nurse watched my child. I have never felt so exposed in my life and I have the most kind hearted supportive husband in the world.

I have since been told that this is the next stage of my brain reprocessing not focussing on the trauma as such and going through the stages of grief as I allow my ideal version of the situation die and become replaced with the acceptance that yes this did happen and yes it can be a trigger for me but I’m working on it… now if only I could sleep

The what ifs…

I have had such a productive day and was in a good space. Work was very enjoyable and constructive and I did 60% of the Christmas shopping online through Black Friday sales etc. Then for no real reason a black cloud descended and I can’t mute the voice in the back of my head who piped up quietly at first before increasing in volume…

What’s starts as an insignificant throwaway thought becomes a weed that spreads it was through my body. Weaving it’s knots into my jaw, then neck muscles, constricting my chest, flips my stomach upside down and curls my toes. I have learnt recently that the more I struggle against these emotions and moments the stronger and more resistant they become, like quick sand drawing me into a pit of despair So I am trying to allow myself to feel and think the threat and fear before reminding myself of the present situation, the here and now, the moment with no need for a fight or flight response and now I can feel my eyelids getting heavy with the exhaustion of it all and I hope for a restful sleep away from this indefatigable anxiety.

No thank you.

So it’s moments like this that make me feel more unsettled about where my journey is taking me. Part of me thinks “There is no rhyme or reason for me to feel the symptoms I am other than a serious medical problem” I have come to be told that is called the maladaptive part of your brain. My adaptive part of my brain is fighting tooth and nail to regain control… so although I am tired I have had a great day, i am painting my nails after having a relax in the bath when all of a sudden the chest pain hits and we are talking right smack where my heart is. This means I am back on the rollercoaster ride. I was not tense or anxious nor was my mind worrying or racing I was quite content when this warm stabbing sensation appears. I try to rationalise that it’s probably poor posture and tiredness as due to hitting the reprocessing part of my therapy I’m not sleeping too well but the usual fears kick in. I fight the tide with wanting to scan my body for other sensations to either refute or dispute my fear. I tried my grounding techniques as best as possible but I struggle to give them time to work and am learning to be much more patient with myself. It’s hard when you are in the house alone too because there is no reassurance when it is needed… 😞

This is hard…

So I’m in a period of low mood and anxiety which is to be expected during therapy as you are uncovering the causes of distress. Since starting the sessions I have more nightmares or terrors, more episodes of ectopic heartbeats and more chest pain than I have experienced since May.

Today I am on a day off work with my little man and am desperate to get out of the house and go up to the local shopping centre but I don’t have much energy and then the thought of what if it’s too much of a struggle is plaguing me what if like last time he doesn’t want to be in his pushchair and wants to walk around then that is too much when I’m solo outside with him as I can’t scan for hazards fast enough. You see that is something I can’t seem to harness yet. The overwhelming need for self preservation… it’s animal instincts scanning for dangers and sometimes I don’t have the strength in me to venture out just me and the cub… some in the past have called it lazy but it’s an exhausting mission just to pluck up the courage to get out sometimes.

So today I have a face of make up on, my nails freshly painted and hair done both Charlie and I are dressed so should that spark of courage find its way to me we will be out the door in a heartbeat if not then I guess that’s ok… maybe another day.

But then here comes the guilt I need to go out for myself, for Charlie otherwise all I have done this week is go to work and be at home minus a couple of appointments etc. I want to be a big beautiful sociable butterfly but my circle of friends are all adults now who live further away or have full time jobs and families of their own. Our days off together never seem to coordinate but when we do get together it’s like no time has passed and I’m genuinely happy. So it’s easier to lock ourselves into our bubble and stay at home no matter how much I know that isn’t going to help

Rain before the rainbow?

Ok so I’m not having a good day. I’ve laughed, I’ve shouted, I’ve cried and I want to sleep. I am in bed listening to the metronome of Charlie’s angel care mat fighting the urge to get in bed with him. The husband is away so I’m alone with my thoughts tonight which isn’t going so well and it’s fast approaching Halloween which would have been Grandad’s 93rd birthday and the first one without him celebrating with us.

So far tonight I’ve had chest pain, my stomach feels like I have done 100 crunches or sit-ups… we all know that didn’t happen, I’ve had dizziness, brain fog and rolling ectopic heartbeats. Oh not too mention my pupils being different sizes. I’m on alert mode, hyper vigilant scanning all the time my surroundings and myself. I hate it. I’m exhausted and I want to rest and sleep which I can’t do as well because I’m missing part of me. I am grounding myself the best of my abilities and trying to sit in these moments as these too shall pass but this is easier said than done when it’s fight or flight time. So my hope to get it out onto paper acknowledging the predicament and getting that weight off my shoulders. But that is always hard when you start experiencing new painful sensations and you are trying to put the cause down to anxiety. Like I said before I want to think horses when I hear hooves not zebras.

Breakthrough

So I am a few weeks into EMDR now and today a breakthrough occurred. My therapist and I spent a lot of time gathering my history, so essentially this was me babbling about my life for hours on end while she made furious notes and I then needed to score each event on a scale of 1-10 for how traumatic they feel to me right now well little did I know but a pattern fully emerges from the notes so vividly it may as well had been a neon sign with the words “struggles and panics with the thought of and experiencing loss!” Whether that’s a loss of a friend, the ending to engaging moment or the passing of a loved one or even myself.

This explains how loosing my grandad earlier this year as well as an old friend around the same time sent me into the foggy head space and once I again I found myself in the void. We have started using the installation process with the tappers and the sound of the beach along with the golden memory of hearing Charlie’s first ever giggle on Black Rock Sands. Well today was crazy as I felt a full on tennis match with my maladaptive and adaptive parts of my brain. When the adapter in my left hand buzzed the tension built, and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking negative thoughts but as soon as the right one vibrated I was at the beach eating chips and despite thinking of horrible thoughts 50% of the time I felt calm and at peace.

Life insurance?

I can not believe the conversation I have just had with a possible life insurance company.

Let me start by setting the scene…

My husband and I have lived in our current home for 6 years we have never differed or missed a rental payment and on the one occasion in which the rent was late by no more than 5 hours it was a bank issue. So a few months ago our landlady contacted saying she had no choice but to sell the house off; cue rushed and urgent meetings with financial advisors. We settled on some agreements in principle and were on our way to secure our home and making it OUR house as well. A stipulation on our mortgage was life insurance and understandably so, in fact it made me feel at ease to think that the moment I spent so much time panicking over that Charlie and Jon would be protected. Our financial advisor searched for the best cover and plans and myself and Jon liked the one Aviva presented and so began the information gathering process… I so wish that I had lied nothing would have come from it. Instead I decided to be honest and open about my diagnosis of PTSD and the physicality that it sometimes brought I also made it very clear that it doesn’t not affect my ability to provide an income for my family. Next step was to allow access to my medical records etc and fast forward a good month later to a letter stating although they will cover me in the event of my death they will not cover income protection or critical illness protection. Their reasoning well in May (just after We lost Grandad) before I was back on Sertraline my PTSD was manifesting itself with many symptoms for which I sought a medical opinion as well as pushing for mental health support in the form of therapy. I was booked in for a drop in ultrasound at a nearby hospital to make at my own convenience if the symptoms persisted. My medication and the reassurance worked at alleviating a lot of stress and therefore my pain subsided so in order to not waste NHS funds and medical staffs time I did not attend this has now gone against me as there is no medical reason for my pain on my records…

Let’s talk about their issue that has been the biggest kick in the gut for me. They will not cover income protection due to my mental health. My diagnosis of PTSD in their eyes would be a financial risk to take. In a moment of bravery I called to speak to an advisor. I could tell by the many pauses he had to take during our conversation that he was entirely uncomfortable having to have this conversation where he had to support and clarify a decision made on paper by someone else. He dealt with it very well but told me that they would not cover me until I had a period of 12 months free of poor mental health symptoms. I asked if there was anything I could do to challenge this, provide records of my employment that show I have never missed a day of work due to my diagnosis because I know that PTSD and some mental health issues are never cured but you learn to manage them. I was told this would not help.

How dare they judge my situation from a piece of paper on pure medical facts without even having a conversation with me. I am on medication, I am in therapy, I am battling on because I don’t want my PTSD to stop me. Yet here is a huge roadblock and judgement from a major company. But I shouldn’t worry because I’m covered in the event of my death. Well now I’m angry on principle. I remember a news article many years ago about a man who could no longer afford the mortgage due to sick time off work and he knew the insurance would look after them so he did the unthinkable and selfishly yet unselfishly took his own life to provide for them. We are such a backwards society! Maybe if you could help them when they are struggling they won’t seek out the worst thing imaginable to solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Again this is not my frame of mind actually a lot of my issues comes from a fear of dying. I digress this is not a well thought out blog and is completely from the emotional part of my brain due to anger, frustration and upset I just cannot believe that in this day and age there is still so much stigma on mental health yes there are reasons for this to be a blanket rule but mental health should be seen as a spectrum and how dare they penalise myself and my family a full cover because of trauma I suffered that I had no control over!

A mixed bag

So today has been a mixed bag… the past few weeks have been pretty full on and in my extreme tiredness I realised this afternoon that I neglected to take my medication yesterday now this is most probably a Nocebo effect but my mind is the foggiest and heaviest it has been in months. The aches and pains are back with a vengeance especially my lower back and I feel like I could sleep for a week, not to mention the fact that my head feels likes it filled with water sloshing around. However I restarted my therapy this morning after what felt like an eternity passed between the last session.

My therapist is an amazing warm woman that has a way of making me feel so at ease and in control, secure to confront my demons and reprocess and reinstall my memories that currently cause me pain. I genuinely believe more funding should be found for everybody to see a therapist, much like having to have a service on a car to ensure it is safe and healthy having a quick session to unload to someone can be such a cathartic process.

A reassuring moment of our session today as strange as this sounds was a moment in which after completing a survey as a barometer I scored very high for anxiety and trauma now how can that be reassuring you may ask? Well I have been waiting weeks and have been a little hesitant to write some blogs recently due to some dramas caused by my PTSD. Judgements from people who I hold no grudges against but were and maybe still are ignorant to how impactful of a disorder it can be. I certainly do not wish to stir up trouble but posting any specifics or reignite hurtful situations for those involved so please don’t misunderstand the intent of this blog. I just feel the overwhelming need to write… so I can tackle and take on the world one day and have no energy, with the need to curl up the next. I am battling something I am scared will be for my entire life, I have lost Jenni and desperately want to find her again and to be told I am just seeking attention is incredibly hurtful as those who know me well enough will tell you just how uncomfortable I am in the spotlight. So to actually be told a few months after the last session that indeed I have PTSD and I’m not being crazy or dramatic was a relief to me as I guess I started to believe those around me who maybe haven’t been so understanding on my journey. These blogs are my way of letting my emotional part of the brain do the talking, the fingers do the walking and if I help someone feel less crazy then that is a bonus and for those of you who maybe reading this and thinking I just want attention I don’t force you to read it I just hope that it highlights how much of a spectrum mental health can be and I hope and pray that your mental acuity is never compromised but if it is please be safe in the knowledge that despite how our circumstances maybe you can always find a shoulder to cry on here and I shall leave you with the amazing lyrics of The Rembrandts “I’ll be there for you…”

The physicality of PTSD

So I have been through a patch where I just didn’t know what to write, I had said everything going around in my head and the thought of putting words down seemed overwhelming so I focused my energies onto other means. However a conversation I had with a friend has brought me the idea that I shall make a list of symptoms I feel when I am “triggered” so that in the future I can work my way through that list as a check sheet grounding me to the here and now and hopefully pressing the pause button on some of the anxiety while I await my therapy to restart.

Migraines – I get them now much more frequently than before and unfortunately there isn’t many painkillers I can take for them due to my Sertraline

Muscle fatigue, cramps and pain – moments where I feel like Bambi when he walks across the ice, my legs have no stability in them or my arms have no strength. They also cramp a lot more frequently than before my trauma. My toes especially cramp severely on a daily basis. One area I hate this in is my neck. There are times in which I have to lie down because it feels like my neck is not strong enough to hold on to my head.

IBS – now I had my original diagnosis for IBS in 2010 so I am used to the spasms, cramping and how to control them. However the severity and frequency of episodes has increased dramatically especially at times of stress.

Sickness – on 3 separate occasions this year when I have been triggered I have ended up vomiting on one occasion I was attempting to ground myself in the garden. Using all my techniques to fight the torrent of emotions when a different wave hit me and embarrassingly enough there is now a patch in my garden which I look at in a different light now.

Costochondritis – this one is one near the top of the list for most difficult to manage. Chest pains, scary scary chest pains that instantly make you check your arms for numbness, wiggle your jaw for signs of pain… and of course psychosomatic symptoms can occur when you search for them.

Ectopic beats or pvcs – in line with the above when I have one “ticker” that is manageable for me I get so scared during an episode, I deem episodes to be ectopics back to back for longer than 30 seconds because the anxiety and fear levels rise so much that I know I will have those episodes on and off for the day and live in the fear that my heart will just give up.

Brain zaps – the feeling of an electric current passing through the old nogging. This is another one that scares me so much much when it occurs.

Pins and needles – can happen so randomly and at any point in the body. The worst area is on my head, it is so unsettling to feel it spreading down your neck.

Nightmares and sleep paralysis, also jerking yourself awake more regular – I struggle to switch off at night and these only exacerbate the issue more. I have also had on many occasions just as I have been drifting off the butterfly sensation in the stomach as if I have been on a rollercoaster drop when in reality I am lying down in bed… the onset of this is an adrenaline fuelled body who no longer can relax and scans for danger for the next 30 minutes until my body can calm itself down.

Hypersensitivity – focusing on what you smell, hear and see. Sometimes I am that focused I can see the vibration of the blood pulsing through the capillaries in my eyes. There are times when I am over stimulated. There is just too much noise or light around me and I have to go somewhere quiet and dark.

Anxiety – feel a little silly writing this but what I generally mean is a constant fear or feeling of foreboding. Your body being so tense all the time ready to run away or to fight whatever danger you may face.

Lack of appetite – this one is one that I know frustrates the hubby, he will ask what do I fancy for my tea and there really is nothing, I know I am hungry but the thought off food is just too much until the hanger kicks in and just like in the Snickers advert I am possessed by a growling beast that only becomes placid when full.

Feeling of something in your throat – a lump or frog in the throat sensation, which cause you to cough or try to clear it which ultimately leads to a sore throat. I also have either a dry mouth or the feeling of burning in my throat which I have been advised is something called GERD.

Dizziness – I hate this one, no rhyme or reason behind it but the room will shift off axis and it will feel like the floor is coming up to high five my face.

Brain fog – my mental acuity is very damaged on days when I just can’t navigate away from the fog no matter how hard I try.

Back pains – my lower back is now in pieces. The feelings I get when I have a cold is similar to labour pains and leaves my writhing in my bed.

Eczema – I used to battle little patches of eczema as a child but now my knees are the most sore, itchy and red they could ever be, I also now find myself absentmindedly scratching said itches until they bleed.

Disassociation – I will at times just wander off in my mind and stare blankly at the wall, sky, floor etc. This one is hard when I have Charlie by myself and I really have to internally scream at myself to draw me into the here and now. I will have days where and I know this sounds stupid I don’t feel like a person… more like an empty vessel and I really hate those days. They are like my thoughts and feelings are muted with subtitles so I know they are there and what they are but the impact is lost without the volume.

There are many more but I am now feeling very tense and tired so will take advantage of having a sleeping babe for a bit longer and I will go and relax.

Desperate for a win

So my world is a little of kilter at this moment in time. The house we have rented and lived in for 6 years… our home, my safe place, my sanctuary is being put on the market. It’s not a malicious move from our landlord but a circumstantial change that leaves no other alternative. Yes there is a small possibility for us to secure a mortgage and get our first step on to the ladder… the alternative being we move, the uncertainty is driving me crazy and I have had so many ectopic heartbeats triggered by the stress and the sleepless nights since we found out.

This home was our first together a place I spent the morning before our wedding. The place I found out I was expecting… the place I longed to be when it all got too much at the hospital before we brought our little bear cub home. It is a place of memories and opportunity that I don’t want to let go of yet but again this year has thrown a curve ball our way yet again and I’m scared that a change such as an unwanted move away from my home will lead me to further instability. I just want to protect and keep our home.