How do you explain to a 3 year old?

My little man has started to notice that his Mummy can become despondent at times and can be too tired or sad to play no matter how much she tries. He has began asking questions and I’ve spent some weeks ignoring the inquiries and distracting him to protect him. This then means he thinks mummy chooses not to play sometimes or mummy chooses to be lazy which is not the case. The days in which I know I haven’t got anything planned it feels as if my mind switched off and I can be an empty husk of a person. So before I started with my therapist I did the most logical thing possible which was to jam pack my weeks with events and plans, this led to OCD tendencies and weakened my standing to sit with my emotions for extended periods of time. alternate with activities of avoidance all day to spending my time lying all but comatose disassociating from anything but a newsfeed or social media timeline. Then a conversation with an amazing friend today put my mindset in focus so that when the inevitable emotional tsunami hit late at night as it so regularly does and Charlie asked why mummy was sad I had the courage and perspective to say “sometimes mummy gets sad and tired because her heart and her head get cross with one another and unlike how when we get cross we take a deep breath and count to 10 and keep doing it until we are calm Mummies heart doesn’t know how to count so they don’t talk things through. Mummy doesn’t like it when this happens and it means mummy cant play even if her heart wants her to because her head doesn’t want too.” I am actually quite proud of this Charlie has a better understanding that sometimes it’s not a choice for me to make and my body doesn’t know what to do or what it wants and it can come on as quickly as one momentary intrusive unsettling thought that in the past I would have shrugged away. It’s not a choice I have a say in, the decision has been made in those moments and no matter how hard I try to fight against that current I end up getting dragged down a lot of the time. I want to protect him but I also want to arm him with the best tool kit possible for dealing with emotions, trauma, stress because we are all one bad moment away from mental instability and it needs to be the norm to talk about it.

My experience with anxiety is that I am trying to come to terms with every possible outcome of every possible situation so I can minimise any damaging or hurtful impact because I have an issues with loss. Whether that is loss of control or loss of a person or relationship.

My experience with depression is that actually what my ignorance deemed as depression before this hit was complete and utter bull. Low mood and depression can sneak up on you with no warning. It can be that at times things that used to bring you joy don’t have the same impact. It can be feeling like you are not present or real. It can be feeling everything and nothing at once. It can be loosing or gaining appetite.

My experience with OCD is that it’s not just having to turn lights on and off a certain number of times. It is looking at patterns to an unhealthy amount. It’s noticing that on one particular day of a female cycle you felt certain symptoms 2 months in a row therefore you make it happen the third time. It’s refusing to wear something because you had an anxiety attack last time you wore it and therefore it is now cursed to make it happen again which of course it does when you build the courage up to do it because you expect it.

My experience with PTSD is that it’s not just flashbacks the way you visualise it to be when someone mentions the word. A smell, texture, taste or sound can throw you right back into the same emotional response as what you had in a moment of pure distress where your entire personal situation has the power to destroy you whether physical mental or emotional. Its irrational but rational at the same time. It’s a constant fight, flight or freeze mentality. It’s exhaustion and pain in every possible way yet is numbing.

So yes…Anxiety, depression, borderline OCD and PTSD are a part of me but they don’t define me and I will be damned if they stop me.

This is hard…

So I’m in a period of low mood and anxiety which is to be expected during therapy as you are uncovering the causes of distress. Since starting the sessions I have more nightmares or terrors, more episodes of ectopic heartbeats and more chest pain than I have experienced since May.

Today I am on a day off work with my little man and am desperate to get out of the house and go up to the local shopping centre but I don’t have much energy and then the thought of what if it’s too much of a struggle is plaguing me what if like last time he doesn’t want to be in his pushchair and wants to walk around then that is too much when I’m solo outside with him as I can’t scan for hazards fast enough. You see that is something I can’t seem to harness yet. The overwhelming need for self preservation… it’s animal instincts scanning for dangers and sometimes I don’t have the strength in me to venture out just me and the cub… some in the past have called it lazy but it’s an exhausting mission just to pluck up the courage to get out sometimes.

So today I have a face of make up on, my nails freshly painted and hair done both Charlie and I are dressed so should that spark of courage find its way to me we will be out the door in a heartbeat if not then I guess that’s ok… maybe another day.

But then here comes the guilt I need to go out for myself, for Charlie otherwise all I have done this week is go to work and be at home minus a couple of appointments etc. I want to be a big beautiful sociable butterfly but my circle of friends are all adults now who live further away or have full time jobs and families of their own. Our days off together never seem to coordinate but when we do get together it’s like no time has passed and I’m genuinely happy. So it’s easier to lock ourselves into our bubble and stay at home no matter how much I know that isn’t going to help

Rain before the rainbow?

Ok so I’m not having a good day. I’ve laughed, I’ve shouted, I’ve cried and I want to sleep. I am in bed listening to the metronome of Charlie’s angel care mat fighting the urge to get in bed with him. The husband is away so I’m alone with my thoughts tonight which isn’t going so well and it’s fast approaching Halloween which would have been Grandad’s 93rd birthday and the first one without him celebrating with us.

So far tonight I’ve had chest pain, my stomach feels like I have done 100 crunches or sit-ups… we all know that didn’t happen, I’ve had dizziness, brain fog and rolling ectopic heartbeats. Oh not too mention my pupils being different sizes. I’m on alert mode, hyper vigilant scanning all the time my surroundings and myself. I hate it. I’m exhausted and I want to rest and sleep which I can’t do as well because I’m missing part of me. I am grounding myself the best of my abilities and trying to sit in these moments as these too shall pass but this is easier said than done when it’s fight or flight time. So my hope to get it out onto paper acknowledging the predicament and getting that weight off my shoulders. But that is always hard when you start experiencing new painful sensations and you are trying to put the cause down to anxiety. Like I said before I want to think horses when I hear hooves not zebras.

Breakthrough

So I am a few weeks into EMDR now and today a breakthrough occurred. My therapist and I spent a lot of time gathering my history, so essentially this was me babbling about my life for hours on end while she made furious notes and I then needed to score each event on a scale of 1-10 for how traumatic they feel to me right now well little did I know but a pattern fully emerges from the notes so vividly it may as well had been a neon sign with the words “struggles and panics with the thought of and experiencing loss!” Whether that’s a loss of a friend, the ending to engaging moment or the passing of a loved one or even myself.

This explains how loosing my grandad earlier this year as well as an old friend around the same time sent me into the foggy head space and once I again I found myself in the void. We have started using the installation process with the tappers and the sound of the beach along with the golden memory of hearing Charlie’s first ever giggle on Black Rock Sands. Well today was crazy as I felt a full on tennis match with my maladaptive and adaptive parts of my brain. When the adapter in my left hand buzzed the tension built, and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking negative thoughts but as soon as the right one vibrated I was at the beach eating chips and despite thinking of horrible thoughts 50% of the time I felt calm and at peace.

Life insurance?

I can not believe the conversation I have just had with a possible life insurance company.

Let me start by setting the scene…

My husband and I have lived in our current home for 6 years we have never differed or missed a rental payment and on the one occasion in which the rent was late by no more than 5 hours it was a bank issue. So a few months ago our landlady contacted saying she had no choice but to sell the house off; cue rushed and urgent meetings with financial advisors. We settled on some agreements in principle and were on our way to secure our home and making it OUR house as well. A stipulation on our mortgage was life insurance and understandably so, in fact it made me feel at ease to think that the moment I spent so much time panicking over that Charlie and Jon would be protected. Our financial advisor searched for the best cover and plans and myself and Jon liked the one Aviva presented and so began the information gathering process… I so wish that I had lied nothing would have come from it. Instead I decided to be honest and open about my diagnosis of PTSD and the physicality that it sometimes brought I also made it very clear that it doesn’t not affect my ability to provide an income for my family. Next step was to allow access to my medical records etc and fast forward a good month later to a letter stating although they will cover me in the event of my death they will not cover income protection or critical illness protection. Their reasoning well in May (just after We lost Grandad) before I was back on Sertraline my PTSD was manifesting itself with many symptoms for which I sought a medical opinion as well as pushing for mental health support in the form of therapy. I was booked in for a drop in ultrasound at a nearby hospital to make at my own convenience if the symptoms persisted. My medication and the reassurance worked at alleviating a lot of stress and therefore my pain subsided so in order to not waste NHS funds and medical staffs time I did not attend this has now gone against me as there is no medical reason for my pain on my records…

Let’s talk about their issue that has been the biggest kick in the gut for me. They will not cover income protection due to my mental health. My diagnosis of PTSD in their eyes would be a financial risk to take. In a moment of bravery I called to speak to an advisor. I could tell by the many pauses he had to take during our conversation that he was entirely uncomfortable having to have this conversation where he had to support and clarify a decision made on paper by someone else. He dealt with it very well but told me that they would not cover me until I had a period of 12 months free of poor mental health symptoms. I asked if there was anything I could do to challenge this, provide records of my employment that show I have never missed a day of work due to my diagnosis because I know that PTSD and some mental health issues are never cured but you learn to manage them. I was told this would not help.

How dare they judge my situation from a piece of paper on pure medical facts without even having a conversation with me. I am on medication, I am in therapy, I am battling on because I don’t want my PTSD to stop me. Yet here is a huge roadblock and judgement from a major company. But I shouldn’t worry because I’m covered in the event of my death. Well now I’m angry on principle. I remember a news article many years ago about a man who could no longer afford the mortgage due to sick time off work and he knew the insurance would look after them so he did the unthinkable and selfishly yet unselfishly took his own life to provide for them. We are such a backwards society! Maybe if you could help them when they are struggling they won’t seek out the worst thing imaginable to solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Again this is not my frame of mind actually a lot of my issues comes from a fear of dying. I digress this is not a well thought out blog and is completely from the emotional part of my brain due to anger, frustration and upset I just cannot believe that in this day and age there is still so much stigma on mental health yes there are reasons for this to be a blanket rule but mental health should be seen as a spectrum and how dare they penalise myself and my family a full cover because of trauma I suffered that I had no control over!

Today…

Today is a day when nothing went as planned… I had a terrible nights sleep, upon trying to force myself up and out of bed the migraine hit. All the tensions of the past few weeks and my ignorant brain who ignored what my rational brain was saying. So cue a day with no energy, no productivity, lying around wanting to feel better.

Today is a day when I have been plagued with ectopic beats I genuinely have at least 4 palpitations an hour all day! This is horrible and it is taking all the strength I have to not freak out over the problem. I must fight as hard as possible to not spiral. My mantra of calming affirmations. “Ectopic beats are completely benign. I’m just very tired and in need of rest. They do not mean I have a heart complaint.”

Today when I was not napping I searched for quotes about anxiety or worry and found some that are just beyond beautiful or comforting.

⭐️”Worry doesn’t take away tomorrow’s problems but robs you of today’s peace.”

⭐️”you can’t calm a storm but you can prepare yourself by battening down the hatches until it passes.”

⭐️”don’t start today with the broken pieces of yesterday”

Heart issues

A feeling in the chest similar to the sensation that happens in your stomach when approaching the steep drop of a rollercoaster, followed by a thud… this thud akin to that in which you feel when you are at the front row of a gig and the bass drum is aimed directly at you. Next moves on to the fluttering sensation from the centre of your chest up your neck. It happens so often and are more common when stressed or anxious but the times I find harder to ground from are those that happen when there is no possible excuse what so ever. The ones in which I am relaxed or just about to drop off this state of consciousness and into the realm of much needed sleep.

After an ecg I have been reassured by my doctor that these are ectopic beats completely benign however if you research the meaning of that word you will find synonyms of kind, or not harmful which in my experience physically absolutely not a problem but psychologically they are horrific. These were the starting focus and trigger for my health anxiety journey. I have written about them many times already and recently have had people approach me asking me what they feel like especially when you are in flare of a major episode. I have had about 4 major episodes in my 2.5 year relationship of this issue. When in a serious flare nothing will calm me down. I am irritable, agitated and unable to stop it.

At my worst I was checking my pulse both physically and through apps throughout the day and I would have countless “tickers” during my treatment plan of CBT I had to force myself to stop checking and sure enough the daily amount I had reduced but they are still exhausting.

Tonight and I’m guessing because I am tired I have had a ridiculous amount. I will be heading to a bath and then my bed I guess

Sunshine and rainbows

It’s been a week… such a challenging week but I am sat in my garden on a lounger staring into the topaz cloudless sky. A rare bottle of beer at my side. Childcare is sorted for the next hour so I can kick back guilt free. Today has been a self care kind of day. A long soak in the bath with bubbles, candles a cringe worthy movie on the iPad and a face mask on. Now a Spotify playlist is my soundtrack whilst I contemplate everything and nothing at all. I have 3 major happy places and 2 are impossible for me to tour so my garden it is… for now. I will be back at the beach in a weeks time and we plan on visiting Disneyland Paris at some point soon. I just need to get through the next week and I can spend some much needed time with my extended family blowing the cobwebs out with the fresh welsh air. I am treading water at the minute barely staying a float and I hope finally with the suns reappearance I can absorb all the positivity of summer. I know what I need but it’s having the time and funds readily available to be able to be happier and that’s a horrid feeling, waiting patiently for your goals. I’ve always been impatient. I just want to see my friends and have much needed games nights and let the guard down. It’s hard playing all the parts I have been cast sometimes.

Striving for better

So I have had a good day… in fact despite a lot going on I’ve had a number of good days recently…yes I am back on Sertraline albeit a small dose. It was a difficult decision to go back on them but it was certainly for the best that I tackle this latest episode in an aggressive manner with EMDR therapy, exercise, diet and medication. I find that Sertraline dims the panic, yes I still have anxiety attacks but I am able to shush the noise most days and I am back to having an appetite which is amazing. So what is the downside well Sertraline for me causes dizziness which is made worse at certain times of the month due to it impacting uterine lining but the key thing is to take it easier on those days.

I am only on a small dosage amount and feel such a difference already I just unfortunately have to wait at least 6 weeks for my next round of therapy which is longer than I would have liked but it can’t be helped. I still have aches and pains that are elevated by anxiety for instances I have just returned from a walk accompanied by my playlist of songs as my left arm and shoulder blade is very painful and in the mind of someone with heath anxiety specifically that equals a heart attack. It is hard to mute your irrational voice sometimes but today it is seeming to cooperate which is nice.

Walking

So I was having a great day with no issues whatsoever. I came home from work and tried to ignore the ectopic heartbeats… they occasionally happen after a long day. A sudden intense ear pain started out of nowhere as well as a small rash on my little cub and my day was well and truly shattered.

One of the easiest way to prove to myself I am ok and to battle the tide of anxiety attacks is for me to be outside, no matter the time of day or night. A favourite go to of mine is to lie on a sun lounger in my garden with my chill out playlist under the stars at night time armed with multiple blankets and my hot water bottle. I love watching for satellites in the cool crisp air. It’s a very humbling and grounding experience for myself. However seeing as it is early evening and it is currently raining cats and dogs I don my wellies and my waterproofs with my playlist armed and ready to go I power walk in the rain to the beat of the songs. A few times around the estate and I’m still reluctant to go home, my sister is looking after Charlie and he is safe and sound in the warm house. I know it’s cold but at this moment I don’t feel it just the need to prove to myself i am ok there is no danger to flee or fight just the sensation of it. My battle is to prove this state I find myself in will not stop me, will not make me hang my head in shame. It will not define me and it will not break me. It will however fill me with empathy, it will make me scared at times, it will give me experiences not many people have, it has and will make me a stronger person and it will allow me to raise a son who will be honest about his emotions and vulnerability and who will learn that mental health difficulties are not a weakness and it is ok to not be ok as long as you are the best version of yourself possible on a day to day basis.