So I have been through a patch where I just didn’t know what to write, I had said everything going around in my head and the thought of putting words down seemed overwhelming so I focused my energies onto other means. However a conversation I had with a friend has brought me the idea that I shall make a list of symptoms I feel when I am “triggered” so that in the future I can work my way through that list as a check sheet grounding me to the here and now and hopefully pressing the pause button on some of the anxiety while I await my therapy to restart.
Migraines – I get them now much more frequently than before and unfortunately there isn’t many painkillers I can take for them due to my Sertraline
Muscle fatigue, cramps and pain – moments where I feel like Bambi when he walks across the ice, my legs have no stability in them or my arms have no strength. They also cramp a lot more frequently than before my trauma. My toes especially cramp severely on a daily basis. One area I hate this in is my neck. There are times in which I have to lie down because it feels like my neck is not strong enough to hold on to my head.
IBS – now I had my original diagnosis for IBS in 2010 so I am used to the spasms, cramping and how to control them. However the severity and frequency of episodes has increased dramatically especially at times of stress.
Sickness – on 3 separate occasions this year when I have been triggered I have ended up vomiting on one occasion I was attempting to ground myself in the garden. Using all my techniques to fight the torrent of emotions when a different wave hit me and embarrassingly enough there is now a patch in my garden which I look at in a different light now.
Costochondritis – this one is one near the top of the list for most difficult to manage. Chest pains, scary scary chest pains that instantly make you check your arms for numbness, wiggle your jaw for signs of pain… and of course psychosomatic symptoms can occur when you search for them.
Ectopic beats or pvcs – in line with the above when I have one “ticker” that is manageable for me I get so scared during an episode, I deem episodes to be ectopics back to back for longer than 30 seconds because the anxiety and fear levels rise so much that I know I will have those episodes on and off for the day and live in the fear that my heart will just give up.
Brain zaps – the feeling of an electric current passing through the old nogging. This is another one that scares me so much much when it occurs.
Pins and needles – can happen so randomly and at any point in the body. The worst area is on my head, it is so unsettling to feel it spreading down your neck.
Nightmares and sleep paralysis, also jerking yourself awake more regular – I struggle to switch off at night and these only exacerbate the issue more. I have also had on many occasions just as I have been drifting off the butterfly sensation in the stomach as if I have been on a rollercoaster drop when in reality I am lying down in bed… the onset of this is an adrenaline fuelled body who no longer can relax and scans for danger for the next 30 minutes until my body can calm itself down.
Hypersensitivity – focusing on what you smell, hear and see. Sometimes I am that focused I can see the vibration of the blood pulsing through the capillaries in my eyes. There are times when I am over stimulated. There is just too much noise or light around me and I have to go somewhere quiet and dark.
Anxiety – feel a little silly writing this but what I generally mean is a constant fear or feeling of foreboding. Your body being so tense all the time ready to run away or to fight whatever danger you may face.
Lack of appetite – this one is one that I know frustrates the hubby, he will ask what do I fancy for my tea and there really is nothing, I know I am hungry but the thought off food is just too much until the hanger kicks in and just like in the Snickers advert I am possessed by a growling beast that only becomes placid when full.
Feeling of something in your throat – a lump or frog in the throat sensation, which cause you to cough or try to clear it which ultimately leads to a sore throat. I also have either a dry mouth or the feeling of burning in my throat which I have been advised is something called GERD.
Dizziness – I hate this one, no rhyme or reason behind it but the room will shift off axis and it will feel like the floor is coming up to high five my face.
Brain fog – my mental acuity is very damaged on days when I just can’t navigate away from the fog no matter how hard I try.
Back pains – my lower back is now in pieces. The feelings I get when I have a cold is similar to labour pains and leaves my writhing in my bed.
Eczema – I used to battle little patches of eczema as a child but now my knees are the most sore, itchy and red they could ever be, I also now find myself absentmindedly scratching said itches until they bleed.
Disassociation – I will at times just wander off in my mind and stare blankly at the wall, sky, floor etc. This one is hard when I have Charlie by myself and I really have to internally scream at myself to draw me into the here and now. I will have days where and I know this sounds stupid I don’t feel like a person… more like an empty vessel and I really hate those days. They are like my thoughts and feelings are muted with subtitles so I know they are there and what they are but the impact is lost without the volume.
There are many more but I am now feeling very tense and tired so will take advantage of having a sleeping babe for a bit longer and I will go and relax.