Here again

All it takes is one stupid little moment where something happens and I’m in full blown spiral. One intrusive parasitic thought nestles its way into my consciousness and it feels like the plug has been pulled and there is an evergrowing black hole appearing in my stomach. I’m now lying in bed having tried usual grounding techniques attempting to stay afloat but like clockwork the usual symptoms march in like some parade. Nerves, dizziness, headache, feeling sick, IBS, chest pain. All while I am desperate to sleep, listening to my husband snoring away, knowing it’s at least a few hours away right now. I hate this… I have had an amazing night with my family where I really felt like me and I have come crashing down and I fear that every time I feel genuine happiness something will come and smack me right back down to the point that sometimes I feel fearful of actually feeling true joy. I am fundamentally broken.