So hi… an inner monologue

Hello it’s been a while.

I haven’t felt the strong urge to put down my thoughts in the same way recently I am yet to decide if that is a good or bad thing.

It’s 5am again it’s the second time in 3 days I have woken around at this time because of a panicked state… this is not fun in the slightest. As it now means that the rest of the day shall be spent in the most tired and drained state with the husband off at work and me trying to keep it together to look after the bear.

This time I woke because of chest pains not a nice thing at all to wake from as you then have to spend a decent amount of time analysing causes and scanning for other hazards… I mean come on how strenuous is it to lie down. The husband doesn’t seem to be concerned so I am trying my hardest now to stand down the panic police to hopefully allow me to get some sleep. I must remember to unclench and relax my jaw the pain I am getting from there is because I am holding it so firmly in place not because of a heart attack…

Ok here’s hoping this will help. I will type in all thoughts currently and allow my adaptive and reasonable brain to process why what I am fearing is my current situation is fabricated through my mental health…

unclench jaw ✅

Stretch ✅

Breathe ✅

You will feel nauseas that is anxiety and fear, take a deep breathe this too shall pass

That weird almost burning feeling in your throat could be GERD… let’s think about this… if this is acid reflux then yep you get pain and discomfort, you will feel sick too. Anxiety makes that worse and so can that fact that I was lying down.

Ok if you were having a heart attack you certainly wouldn’t be typing this out to reassure yourself of safety.

Ok I can feel my blood pressure to a more normal estate. This is good!

Ok so the cramping/pangs you are feeling in your stomach is probably due to anxiety/IBS/acid reflux.

Unclench your jaw! ✅

Eyes are burning well that’s because you are tired!

Take a deep breath…

The headache you have is due to air pressure and stress.

Stretch!

Cough allow yourself to relax your chest.

Go back to bed and try to sleep it off.

Lockdown

At the beginning of February I was so poorly that the only time in nearly 4 weeks of me leaving the house was to go to doctor appointments or to hospital for tests. I presented all symptoms of Coronavirus but as I had not travelled or been in contact with anyone who had as far as I knew I wasn’t tested. In the space of 3 weeks I was on multiple antibiotics. One of the worst nights saw me setting up a bed in the bathroom with the shower running; the windows and door blocked up and an air diffuser with eucalyptus oil in it. All to relieve the driest most persistent cough oh my life. I made noises on inhaling and exhaling, wheezes, rattles, cracks and gurgles. I had 9 straight days of fever. I can honestly say only on one occasion had I been so scared in my life.

I returned back on a phased plan for work but by the end of the following week I was back in isolation as I was still coughing and didn’t want to cause any disrepute to the company I work for as I have a customer facing position. By the end of that week the country was in lockdown.

The situation is being covered in such a way that at time’s it is so damaging for anyone with anxiety to handle. I am petrified that if I didn’t have Coronavirus that there is something out there that has the potential to harm myself and my family worse than how much we struggled last month. If I didn’t have it then according to medical advice I would be high risk due to the severity of the respiratory infection I presented. Tonight I have a sore throat and am on the precipice of the Mariana Trench of an anxiety attack. It’s always at bloody nighttime when the distractions of the day are done and the adrenaline is calmed. The point in which the to do lists are paused and allows for the previously muted negative thoughts to creep in. There are 2 adults, 2 cats and a 3 year old in a 2 up 2 down house and after such a length of time in isolation there are aspects of every room I now want to change, move or redecorate so I feel calmer in my space, unfortunately after being off sick from work for such a time we are in a hole in which I’m unable to invest in such a manner. However I am grateful to have a roof over my head.

I never used to have this level of health paranoia it began during pregnancy and never left and this is a very bad cultural time to have such a concern. You can’t pop onto social media without seeing a list of symptoms which means I am scanning constantly for them which then means the techniques of CBT need to be employed to rationalise my lovely maladaptive brain. I’ve had some amazing messages sent me from friends and family checking in and it means the world to me and I am eternally grateful. I hope for peace of mind and health for all who read this mumbling bumbling mess. I just needed to get it out of my head.

How do you explain to a 3 year old?

My little man has started to notice that his Mummy can become despondent at times and can be too tired or sad to play no matter how much she tries. He has began asking questions and I’ve spent some weeks ignoring the inquiries and distracting him to protect him. This then means he thinks mummy chooses not to play sometimes or mummy chooses to be lazy which is not the case. The days in which I know I haven’t got anything planned it feels as if my mind switched off and I can be an empty husk of a person. So before I started with my therapist I did the most logical thing possible which was to jam pack my weeks with events and plans, this led to OCD tendencies and weakened my standing to sit with my emotions for extended periods of time. alternate with activities of avoidance all day to spending my time lying all but comatose disassociating from anything but a newsfeed or social media timeline. Then a conversation with an amazing friend today put my mindset in focus so that when the inevitable emotional tsunami hit late at night as it so regularly does and Charlie asked why mummy was sad I had the courage and perspective to say “sometimes mummy gets sad and tired because her heart and her head get cross with one another and unlike how when we get cross we take a deep breath and count to 10 and keep doing it until we are calm Mummies heart doesn’t know how to count so they don’t talk things through. Mummy doesn’t like it when this happens and it means mummy cant play even if her heart wants her to because her head doesn’t want too.” I am actually quite proud of this Charlie has a better understanding that sometimes it’s not a choice for me to make and my body doesn’t know what to do or what it wants and it can come on as quickly as one momentary intrusive unsettling thought that in the past I would have shrugged away. It’s not a choice I have a say in, the decision has been made in those moments and no matter how hard I try to fight against that current I end up getting dragged down a lot of the time. I want to protect him but I also want to arm him with the best tool kit possible for dealing with emotions, trauma, stress because we are all one bad moment away from mental instability and it needs to be the norm to talk about it.

My experience with anxiety is that I am trying to come to terms with every possible outcome of every possible situation so I can minimise any damaging or hurtful impact because I have an issues with loss. Whether that is loss of control or loss of a person or relationship.

My experience with depression is that actually what my ignorance deemed as depression before this hit was complete and utter bull. Low mood and depression can sneak up on you with no warning. It can be that at times things that used to bring you joy don’t have the same impact. It can be feeling like you are not present or real. It can be feeling everything and nothing at once. It can be loosing or gaining appetite.

My experience with OCD is that it’s not just having to turn lights on and off a certain number of times. It is looking at patterns to an unhealthy amount. It’s noticing that on one particular day of a female cycle you felt certain symptoms 2 months in a row therefore you make it happen the third time. It’s refusing to wear something because you had an anxiety attack last time you wore it and therefore it is now cursed to make it happen again which of course it does when you build the courage up to do it because you expect it.

My experience with PTSD is that it’s not just flashbacks the way you visualise it to be when someone mentions the word. A smell, texture, taste or sound can throw you right back into the same emotional response as what you had in a moment of pure distress where your entire personal situation has the power to destroy you whether physical mental or emotional. Its irrational but rational at the same time. It’s a constant fight, flight or freeze mentality. It’s exhaustion and pain in every possible way yet is numbing.

So yes…Anxiety, depression, borderline OCD and PTSD are a part of me but they don’t define me and I will be damned if they stop me.

The one I forgot to name

It’s been more than a month now since I last felt any semblance of healthy. I felt the best I had in that time yesterday morning but today is a different story. I feel like a drama queen and I hate that especially when I see others inflicted with the same infection as I have had being more resilient and high functioning but the truth of the matter is this has laid me on my ass.

It’s difficult when your mind and body run at different speeds but when your average speed has decreased due to bouts of ill health then it paves the way for the demons to fight their way through. Yet again a Visual blip when waking which I don’t know if fabricated through a tired mind or not caused a full blown spiral. The fear of having my 3rd ocular migraine in 2 weeks loomed and I have spent the day in Pyjamas and under the duvet. Today being the second day in the last month in which I have been solo whilst looking after the cub so I’m guessing it’s all probably stress related and actually the best thing for me to do is to return to work and gain as much of a routine as possible for normality to be reintroduced.

After spending a good hour lying in bed with Charlie he became restless and wanted to go downstairs. At one moment after a very brief doze on the sofa I was awoken with a kiss from my cub on my head who wanted a drink and I began to feel a little better but as the day has progressed so has the constant searching for symptoms. It is taking every ounce of CBT control to try to minimise the fallout of being so poorly. Some doctors have not helped and have fed into the fear by ordering more and more tests and throwing up complications or poorly worded reasoning behind treatments.

I haven’t had therapy in over 4 weeks and the next time I go will be to participate in a guided tour of the rooms in which I received treatment or care during labour and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t petrified.

I guess after isolation for so long and only really speaking to family and one or two friends as well as living in a constant fear bubble of having to take temperatures and clock watch for symptoms, side affects and medicines I have found myself in low mood and high anxiety and wishing my cheeky charming son could see his mummy at full shine.

A horrible fortnight

I am so unbelievably done with this current situation I find myself in.

I started to feel poorly a little over 2 weeks ago and thought not much of it having previously thought I’d done really well during the winter to avoid and colds whatsoever…

It started with not feeling too great at work and a member of the team becoming concerned about how poorly I was looking, then progressed to fever, chills, flu like symptoms as well as horrific lower back pain. Having had a stupidly high temperature peak a call to 111 meant I had to be seen by a doctor who sent me off for tests. The very next day I had a call from the receptionist stating I need to immediately start a course of antibiotics but it wasn’t until a few days later when I aired my concern that the antibiotics were not working that I was told they were prescribed because I had an inflammation marker present in my blood. I did as I was told and started a 7 day course of amoxicillin. Half way through and I was still really struggling with anything and was back in the doctors. This time the lady I saw was amazing and spent so much time with me checking me over, calming me down as she herself has issues with PTSD and poor mental health. She believed I was suffering with glandular fever so another blood test later I am waiting at home for result and I receive a call stating I need to see a doctor that day to discuss my results = hello panic stations. My entire family are on alert and freaking out. Due to flooding by my doctors I had to go to a different surgery and be seen by a different GP who basically told me that my CRP and ESR markers were abnormal and I would need to be tested in 4 weeks time to see if they went back to normal or whether further action is deemed necessary. Well I was very upset and frustrated that I had waited hours for that news and I have fought tooth and nail to not allow it to set me off on a health anxiety spiral but my body seems to want to make that difficult for me. In the last 2 weeks I have suffered with:

Bronchitis

Flu – all the symptoms

Lower back pain

Every type of thrush imaginable

Sickness and diarrhoea.

Dizziness

Yesterday I lost my hearing and this morning I had what the doctors believe to be an ocular migraine. I have to been seen later tonight to check everything is ok.

I am trying so hard to be positive and trust in the moments where I’m feeling better that I’m just absolutely run down and need to rest up but I have spent maybe 2 hours with my son in 2 weeks and I’m scared for the moment where my anxiety-ridden maladaptive brain is proven right that there is something more sinister going on. I have spent 2 weeks in bed when I’m not at the doctors or hospital listening to audiobooks. I want to hug and play with my baby so much but I’m not ok enough for it and it’s breaking my heart more than you could ever imagine. All I seem able to do is lie around and occasionally sleep.

When your heart breaks

So tonight I fought everything and was truly present for my little cub. We had a blanket fort which Charlie said was his moon base. He gave me a grand tour of his new home, the kitchens (yes there were 2!) the bedroom and living room. We also played in the bath it was a lovely evening with lots of giggles but now it’s not. After sleeping for 30 mins he is up inconsolably crying, something is wrong and I don’t know what. He has a small temperature and a few sniffles. I lay in his bed with him in my eyes rocking backwards and forwards for what felt like an eternity… We tried to set up camp in mummy and daddies bed… we have resorted to blanket burritos on the sofas. Daddy has granted me a brief reprieve to attempt to ground myself before I spiral with fear yet again that my bear is poorly with more than just a cold. It was to be expected he is about to enter his second week of nursery so a new immune system will take more knocks but seeing as how his last illness just over a month ago resulted in a febrile seizure I am petrified.

We spend so long talking about the joys of having children and how amazing they are teamed with how tired you will be. But no one discusses the fear… the anxiety that all caring parents feel. Why have we evolved such complicated emotional bonds that last our entire lifespans? Elephants are similar and will mourn for their passed kin but do they feel the same fear of protecting their young or is it all for one? My little man most probably has a cold yet I have cried tonight out of fear and out of empathy that my little human is suffering and is unable to tell me exactly why between sobs. I’m sure every parent has had a moment where they are stood in the doorway watching their sleeping offspring lying so still and think “dear god let you be breathing?” Watching like a hawk for a rhythmic rise and fall of a chest or the sweet soulful sound of a high pitch squeak or snore because for a moment you fear that your world will shift off its axis and come crashing around you. It’s a complicated and exhaustive range of emotions. You want to do what’s best for your child and I’ve witnessed first hand that no matter their age that doesn’t change. Writing these blogs have allowed me to become more open with my parents and I see my mums heartbreak erupt with the overflowing tears when I tell her when I’m struggling. When talking not so long ago I became emotional… what a surprise and as a person who wear their heart on their sleeve I saw her eyes became glossy and 5 words brought a tidal wave of emotions out of me. At the age of 32 she said “you are still my baby girl.” And I’m guessing she felt the same as I do now witnessing your child in pain and discomfort with not knowing how to fix it.

Feel lonely

The past 2 nights when everyone has gone to bed I have been caught up in a tsunami of low mood, grief, anger and fear.

I am exhausted and want nothing more than to feel lighter, looser and not so lonely. Now this is stupid because I have an incredibly large support network but what do you do when they all have plans or are busy. Before being a mum I would have just gone back to bed And that’s what I wanted. I love my little cub to bits however it is so hard when I want to lie in a dark room because I’ve been so tense I have a migraine or I’m sensitive to loud noises and lights that is obviously not on the to do list of a nearly 3 year old.

Right now I am incredibly triggered and wish it was raining so I could hide away in my caravan both to hear and feel the vibrations of the pitter patter. Allowing its rhythmic beat to relax and ground myself.

5 minutes of rereading the above text leaves me conflicted as to whether to post or not for fear of upsetting people who have been trying their best to support me throughout this battle, I don’t want them to despair over circumstances or have guilt for not being around and that in a nutshell is anxiety wanting relief, verbalising thoughts, threats, fears and over analysis of every and all possible outcomes. Creating mountains out of molehills, hearing hooves and thinking zebras before horses, knowing just how deep of a low mode you can go and fear that something you say to those you care so deeply for could have a similar affect on them.

Here again

All it takes is one stupid little moment where something happens and I’m in full blown spiral. One intrusive parasitic thought nestles its way into my consciousness and it feels like the plug has been pulled and there is an evergrowing black hole appearing in my stomach. I’m now lying in bed having tried usual grounding techniques attempting to stay afloat but like clockwork the usual symptoms march in like some parade. Nerves, dizziness, headache, feeling sick, IBS, chest pain. All while I am desperate to sleep, listening to my husband snoring away, knowing it’s at least a few hours away right now. I hate this… I have had an amazing night with my family where I really felt like me and I have come crashing down and I fear that every time I feel genuine happiness something will come and smack me right back down to the point that sometimes I feel fearful of actually feeling true joy. I am fundamentally broken.