It’s been more than a month now since I last felt any semblance of healthy. I felt the best I had in that time yesterday morning but today is a different story. I feel like a drama queen and I hate that especially when I see others inflicted with the same infection as I have had being more resilient and high functioning but the truth of the matter is this has laid me on my ass.
It’s difficult when your mind and body run at different speeds but when your average speed has decreased due to bouts of ill health then it paves the way for the demons to fight their way through. Yet again a Visual blip when waking which I don’t know if fabricated through a tired mind or not caused a full blown spiral. The fear of having my 3rd ocular migraine in 2 weeks loomed and I have spent the day in Pyjamas and under the duvet. Today being the second day in the last month in which I have been solo whilst looking after the cub so I’m guessing it’s all probably stress related and actually the best thing for me to do is to return to work and gain as much of a routine as possible for normality to be reintroduced.
After spending a good hour lying in bed with Charlie he became restless and wanted to go downstairs. At one moment after a very brief doze on the sofa I was awoken with a kiss from my cub on my head who wanted a drink and I began to feel a little better but as the day has progressed so has the constant searching for symptoms. It is taking every ounce of CBT control to try to minimise the fallout of being so poorly. Some doctors have not helped and have fed into the fear by ordering more and more tests and throwing up complications or poorly worded reasoning behind treatments.
I haven’t had therapy in over 4 weeks and the next time I go will be to participate in a guided tour of the rooms in which I received treatment or care during labour and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t petrified.
I guess after isolation for so long and only really speaking to family and one or two friends as well as living in a constant fear bubble of having to take temperatures and clock watch for symptoms, side affects and medicines I have found myself in low mood and high anxiety and wishing my cheeky charming son could see his mummy at full shine.
Mama Bearable 