Lockdown

At the beginning of February I was so poorly that the only time in nearly 4 weeks of me leaving the house was to go to doctor appointments or to hospital for tests. I presented all symptoms of Coronavirus but as I had not travelled or been in contact with anyone who had as far as I knew I wasn’t tested. In the space of 3 weeks I was on multiple antibiotics. One of the worst nights saw me setting up a bed in the bathroom with the shower running; the windows and door blocked up and an air diffuser with eucalyptus oil in it. All to relieve the driest most persistent cough oh my life. I made noises on inhaling and exhaling, wheezes, rattles, cracks and gurgles. I had 9 straight days of fever. I can honestly say only on one occasion had I been so scared in my life.

I returned back on a phased plan for work but by the end of the following week I was back in isolation as I was still coughing and didn’t want to cause any disrepute to the company I work for as I have a customer facing position. By the end of that week the country was in lockdown.

The situation is being covered in such a way that at time’s it is so damaging for anyone with anxiety to handle. I am petrified that if I didn’t have Coronavirus that there is something out there that has the potential to harm myself and my family worse than how much we struggled last month. If I didn’t have it then according to medical advice I would be high risk due to the severity of the respiratory infection I presented. Tonight I have a sore throat and am on the precipice of the Mariana Trench of an anxiety attack. It’s always at bloody nighttime when the distractions of the day are done and the adrenaline is calmed. The point in which the to do lists are paused and allows for the previously muted negative thoughts to creep in. There are 2 adults, 2 cats and a 3 year old in a 2 up 2 down house and after such a length of time in isolation there are aspects of every room I now want to change, move or redecorate so I feel calmer in my space, unfortunately after being off sick from work for such a time we are in a hole in which I’m unable to invest in such a manner. However I am grateful to have a roof over my head.

I never used to have this level of health paranoia it began during pregnancy and never left and this is a very bad cultural time to have such a concern. You can’t pop onto social media without seeing a list of symptoms which means I am scanning constantly for them which then means the techniques of CBT need to be employed to rationalise my lovely maladaptive brain. I’ve had some amazing messages sent me from friends and family checking in and it means the world to me and I am eternally grateful. I hope for peace of mind and health for all who read this mumbling bumbling mess. I just needed to get it out of my head.

How do you explain to a 3 year old?

My little man has started to notice that his Mummy can become despondent at times and can be too tired or sad to play no matter how much she tries. He has began asking questions and I’ve spent some weeks ignoring the inquiries and distracting him to protect him. This then means he thinks mummy chooses not to play sometimes or mummy chooses to be lazy which is not the case. The days in which I know I haven’t got anything planned it feels as if my mind switched off and I can be an empty husk of a person. So before I started with my therapist I did the most logical thing possible which was to jam pack my weeks with events and plans, this led to OCD tendencies and weakened my standing to sit with my emotions for extended periods of time. alternate with activities of avoidance all day to spending my time lying all but comatose disassociating from anything but a newsfeed or social media timeline. Then a conversation with an amazing friend today put my mindset in focus so that when the inevitable emotional tsunami hit late at night as it so regularly does and Charlie asked why mummy was sad I had the courage and perspective to say “sometimes mummy gets sad and tired because her heart and her head get cross with one another and unlike how when we get cross we take a deep breath and count to 10 and keep doing it until we are calm Mummies heart doesn’t know how to count so they don’t talk things through. Mummy doesn’t like it when this happens and it means mummy cant play even if her heart wants her to because her head doesn’t want too.” I am actually quite proud of this Charlie has a better understanding that sometimes it’s not a choice for me to make and my body doesn’t know what to do or what it wants and it can come on as quickly as one momentary intrusive unsettling thought that in the past I would have shrugged away. It’s not a choice I have a say in, the decision has been made in those moments and no matter how hard I try to fight against that current I end up getting dragged down a lot of the time. I want to protect him but I also want to arm him with the best tool kit possible for dealing with emotions, trauma, stress because we are all one bad moment away from mental instability and it needs to be the norm to talk about it.

My experience with anxiety is that I am trying to come to terms with every possible outcome of every possible situation so I can minimise any damaging or hurtful impact because I have an issues with loss. Whether that is loss of control or loss of a person or relationship.

My experience with depression is that actually what my ignorance deemed as depression before this hit was complete and utter bull. Low mood and depression can sneak up on you with no warning. It can be that at times things that used to bring you joy don’t have the same impact. It can be feeling like you are not present or real. It can be feeling everything and nothing at once. It can be loosing or gaining appetite.

My experience with OCD is that it’s not just having to turn lights on and off a certain number of times. It is looking at patterns to an unhealthy amount. It’s noticing that on one particular day of a female cycle you felt certain symptoms 2 months in a row therefore you make it happen the third time. It’s refusing to wear something because you had an anxiety attack last time you wore it and therefore it is now cursed to make it happen again which of course it does when you build the courage up to do it because you expect it.

My experience with PTSD is that it’s not just flashbacks the way you visualise it to be when someone mentions the word. A smell, texture, taste or sound can throw you right back into the same emotional response as what you had in a moment of pure distress where your entire personal situation has the power to destroy you whether physical mental or emotional. Its irrational but rational at the same time. It’s a constant fight, flight or freeze mentality. It’s exhaustion and pain in every possible way yet is numbing.

So yes…Anxiety, depression, borderline OCD and PTSD are a part of me but they don’t define me and I will be damned if they stop me.