Lockdown

At the beginning of February I was so poorly that the only time in nearly 4 weeks of me leaving the house was to go to doctor appointments or to hospital for tests. I presented all symptoms of Coronavirus but as I had not travelled or been in contact with anyone who had as far as I knew I wasn’t tested. In the space of 3 weeks I was on multiple antibiotics. One of the worst nights saw me setting up a bed in the bathroom with the shower running; the windows and door blocked up and an air diffuser with eucalyptus oil in it. All to relieve the driest most persistent cough oh my life. I made noises on inhaling and exhaling, wheezes, rattles, cracks and gurgles. I had 9 straight days of fever. I can honestly say only on one occasion had I been so scared in my life.

I returned back on a phased plan for work but by the end of the following week I was back in isolation as I was still coughing and didn’t want to cause any disrepute to the company I work for as I have a customer facing position. By the end of that week the country was in lockdown.

The situation is being covered in such a way that at time’s it is so damaging for anyone with anxiety to handle. I am petrified that if I didn’t have Coronavirus that there is something out there that has the potential to harm myself and my family worse than how much we struggled last month. If I didn’t have it then according to medical advice I would be high risk due to the severity of the respiratory infection I presented. Tonight I have a sore throat and am on the precipice of the Mariana Trench of an anxiety attack. It’s always at bloody nighttime when the distractions of the day are done and the adrenaline is calmed. The point in which the to do lists are paused and allows for the previously muted negative thoughts to creep in. There are 2 adults, 2 cats and a 3 year old in a 2 up 2 down house and after such a length of time in isolation there are aspects of every room I now want to change, move or redecorate so I feel calmer in my space, unfortunately after being off sick from work for such a time we are in a hole in which I’m unable to invest in such a manner. However I am grateful to have a roof over my head.

I never used to have this level of health paranoia it began during pregnancy and never left and this is a very bad cultural time to have such a concern. You can’t pop onto social media without seeing a list of symptoms which means I am scanning constantly for them which then means the techniques of CBT need to be employed to rationalise my lovely maladaptive brain. I’ve had some amazing messages sent me from friends and family checking in and it means the world to me and I am eternally grateful. I hope for peace of mind and health for all who read this mumbling bumbling mess. I just needed to get it out of my head.